Connor Burke

I've wanted to be an animal for a long time, but after watching so much Life and Wild Russia, I've realized being an animal sucks.

And yes, I only found an image for Wild Russia.
Did I try very hard?
No. I didn't even search for Life.
But this image has shitty quality, and that was discouraging.

Look, to clarify about what I was saying, I know you're thinking, "Connor, of course you don't want to be an animal. When I look at animals I always say, 'I wouldn't want to be an animal because they're less intelligent and I like to know things.'"

But see I tend to think I think too much and thinking about thinking less could be beneficial.
So my recent discovery, which may seem obvious to you, is a full circle realization to me. That being said...I don't want to be an animal anymore.

I'll explain!
Pretty much every day, everyone, including myself, whines about how we're all too busy working, or doing school, or not really doing anything but still complaining.
Either way, I realized if I were an animal, I'd still have to deal with that, except it would sound more like,
"Yeah, I've just been like real busy...just like hunting, and eating what I hunted. I've been like hunting all week."
or
"I guess we could do something this weekend, it's just I'll probably have to kill something so I can eat you know? Because food isn't processed for me...I gotta kill it...with my teeth. Yeah...it'll probably be twice the size of me. No, I'm not really looking forward to this week."
That was an animal talking on the phone, if you were wondering why there were so many ellipses. That's when the other animal was talking.

Either way, that also means, every time I hung out with any other animal friends, they would be like, "Do you guys wanna go hunting or something...maybe kill some forest dwelling antelope...or an elk...I'm just gonna say I could go for some elk."
And honestly, those sound like some forest dwelling douchebags.
For starters I wouldn't eat elk, and secondly, I'd probably just go for deer instead of getting so damn creative with it.

And then, there's the whole territorial thing!
If I had to defend my shit everytime another male came over and liked my coffee table. (I'm still referring to me as an animal, I'm just assuming I'd be an animal with a coffee table.) I'm just saying, I don't have the energy to fight you off of my stuff. Just don't take it. I'm sorry you didn't get it first, quit crying about it with your fists...or hooves...or horns. I'm not sure what animal I think I am.

...I think I'm a wolf though. I like to think of myself as a wolf.

There aren't enough people who think me of as a wolf. I'm not sure what kind of person you have to be to be thought of as a wolf, but I wanna be that person. Except maybe like a funny wolf. Like a wolf who hunts and kills and rules a forest, but like who can also be kind of cool sometimes. Who, you know, everyones like, "Yeah he might kill you, but he might also make some real witty observations about how wolves always hunt."

I imagine if wolves did stand-up comedy, they would still complain about the same topics, just in an appropriate wolf fashion. Like maybe female wolves always wanna play with the baby wolves and not go hunt in place of the male wolf so he can sleep more and like watch TV with his friends.
And yeah he knows he made a commitment to that she wolf when they had a wolf cub together, but sometimes you just want to be a real man wolf."

...You know what Hollywood is missing?

Reverse werewolves.
Or just like wolves that transform into a pretty generic looking guys when its sunny.
Like during the day he becomes this average guy in business casual, and he has like a temp job somewhere, but then when the sun goes down he turns back into a wolf.
So there would be instances where he wakes up as a wolf in a cubicle and it's like 7:30 at night. He would understand the concept of time as a human, but once he turned back into a wolf he wouldn't know what 7:30 meant.


Someone make a reverse werewolf movie. Because I'm a wolf.