So I recently learned after Mike the Tiger V died from renal failure, Peta supposedly urged LSU to avoid buying another one.
This being a shitty idea, LSU avoided offending PETA, and had one donated instead.
Now, I'm not sure if that history has any effect on Mike VI's docile nature, but when I went by his cage yesterday...it was immediate aggravating boredom.
I get that we have to use these raised-in-captivity animals, but I want to see some natural jungle cat instinct in that tigerarium.
I mean lets be honest, what the fuck are you doing in this picture?
You're a goddamn tiger, Michael. Do you know what the rest of you're species is doing?
Killing.
They're out killing, and you're not playing with that purple ball.
How about you get on that.
Or look at this dick sitting in front of you're cage. He's just sitting there. SITTING. That's fresh meat, Michael. I wanna see you pouncing against the glass, or shouting tiger insults about this guy's girlfriend. He's getting wayyyy too comfortable in front of you're cage.
That's you're cage, Mike.
Set up some boundaries.
And look, Michael, I get you're unfathomably bored, and yes maybe the lack of running and hunting area has worn down you're muscles. Maybe the boredom of living in a cage you're whole life totally sucks, but Jesus, quit moping.
I don't wanna see it, hear it, or hear about it.
You man up, and get some energy for you're audience.
If you're gonna be stuck in that cage for the rest of you're life, which you are, I think you need to make the best of it.
Here's a couple of pointers:
See how in this picture, you're wearing nothing.That's kind of gross.
People don't wear nothing, and you're in people society. So maybe go ahead and adapt already. I'm not saying you need to necessarily pick a specific style of dress-lets be reasonable-but just a t-shirt a jeans would help.
Now, that doesn't mean you can't aim for a style, if you really want. Start small though, like if you're feeling confident today, maybe throw on a novelty hat.
Like the umbrella hood!
Uh oh, Mike. It looks like this guy's having too much fun. And when I say "fun" I mean fun you could be having. Now when you're bored audience starts throwing their garbage over the walls, it will roll off you're hat onto the floor of your smelly, but aesthetically pleasing by human standards, make-shift grotto.
Actually, now that I've given it a moment, the umbrella hood might be too much fun. Maybe you should go for something a little less leisurely, and something far more practical.
How about, Rastafarian!
Ooo, now that seems you're style.
See how much more ripped this creepy white guy got once he put on his Rasta Tam? That's what you need, more dreads and more muscle.
However there's always the natural tiger option, of killing a human and wearing they're skin as an outfit. Nothing says, "I'm ready to be human", like killing one and wearing their skin.
That dominant strut, that subtle open-mouth elegance, the comely furrowed brow. I mean if I"m being honest, you look downright aristocratic. This is a handsome tiger.
Also a dangerous tiger.
But handsome.
Still dangerous though.
I think this really reveals the genteel side of you're character. And yes I did say "character." Don't forget, Mike, you're a stage performer, and stage performers never put their real selves on stage for the world to judge.They get into character. They develop a stage persona. Which brings me to my last suggestion.
Michael, who are you?
I mean really dig deep and find out, who is this Tiger? Where does he come from, what kind of tiger is he? And I don't just mean Panthera tigris, I mean what makes you different from all the other tigers, you'll never come in contact with.
Now naturally someone might think, he's the mascot for LSU, he's an athlete.
Wrong.
You're not an athlete. You don't do shit.
But that doesn't mean you're out of options.
These are some pretty simple examples, to give you an idea of what I'm looking to see from you.
Maybe you're character hangs around children too much, and has a disgusting passion for breakfast food.
Maybe you're stage character just does a lot of coke.
Or maybe you're just a reliable family man.
Either way, Mike, I'm not saying everyone is bored with the idea of a live tiger on campus, I'm saying I am.
Me.
And since I'm the only one who reads my blog, I have to say my audience agrees with me.
Get you're shit together, Mike, or you're gonna continue to hear the same two phrases every day for the rest of you're short unfair life.
"Where is he?"
And
"Oh, there he is."
That last phrase is normally followed by extreme disinterest.